Waiting for the Lord to Teach Me

Navigating through life's challenges requires much more than we can gain by sight and sound. While grieving the death of my unborn son, this became more apparent to me than ever as I found myself grappling with the mystery and doctrinal silence surrounding miscarriage and stillbirth. But the Lord has promised, "I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you." (John 14:18)

An Allergy

I think I have an allergy

That long since has been ailing me!

But now I think I’ve pinned the food

That makes my abdomen protrude;

It’s clear I always feel the worst

Each time I eat my fourth dessert.

The second helping I’ll be fine,

But by the third I start to whine;

My stomach gets to feeling sick,

Akin to swallowing a brick!

And soon my body starts to swell:

My hips and cheeks and thighs as well!

This allergy is such a pest!

Just when I’m feeling at my best,

And on the brink of satisfaction,

I get this horrible reaction!

Sometimes I think I should abstain,

But then I think, “No pain, no gain!”

Procrastination

I've got myself a job to do that isn't very fun;
It's a little overwhelming--not sure how I'll get it done.
So for now I'll stick to tasks I like, and have some pleasures too,
And set that job aside for just another day or two.

But even though I told it to come back another time,
It wouldn't really leave from the recesses of my mind!
It loitered on my lawn and would  through the windows stare,
And dampened all my fun the way it waited for me there!

And something from my garden must have fed its appetite,
Because it grew and grew till it became a frightening sight!
And when it got impatient it would knock or ring the bell,
But I avoided answering 'cause I knew its story well.

In time I wore its patience and it started acting mean;
This task which I had kept outside was now a monstrous fiend!
It stomped upon my roof and threw rocks into my wall,
And started to harass my friendly tasks who came to call!

Till finally it was clear to see my peace would not return
Until I faced this monster task which I so long had spurned.
So flinging wide the door, though with resentment in my breast,
I asked it please to come inside, it now could be my guest.

And as I got to know this task inside my parlor hall,
I found it wasn't quite as large or fearsome now at all.
I worked out all the business which it brought for me to do,
Then it gladly went away for good in just an hour or two.

Rescued In Spite of Ourselves

The male ego is a very vulnerable subject to begin with; however, in the presence of other male egos to impress, it yields to almost any persuasion. When we place these compounded male egos in a rugged and treacherous environment, we get an entirely perilous situation called scout camp.

This is why I have often said that the last word and authority for any decision made at scout camp ought to be a guest mother who should accompany the troop on every adventure and act as the voice of reason. This has never been a popular idea among male participants whose very life breath is not as valuable to them as the thrill of doing something completely stupid without the interference of said wives or mothers or voices of reason. But, many of these adherents would not even be alive to protest an accompanying mother if it weren’t for our only other viable alternative and that is prayer.

Last week my husband was privileged to attend one of these scouting adventures as a scout leader in our ward. They were to backpack 10 miles into the depths of the Grand Canyon to enjoy the array of impressive waterfalls and pools of Havasupai. Having heard tales of his many close calls in the scouting program, as I said goodbye I looked him in the eye and said “Remember your dear wife and children and don’t do anything stupid.” But knowing how unlikely this was, I then proceeded to pray for his safety in each of my prayers over the five day trip.

The first waterfall they came to, Navajo Falls, is about 70 feet high. They discovered the best use of this waterfall was to climb up on a ledge behind it, dive into the falls, and let the force of the water spew them out across the pool. Then they came to the next waterfall, Mooney Falls, which tumbles over 200 feet to its basin. Fortunately they were warned that this waterfall was too dangerous to dive into so they didn’t attempt it from above, but they did find it quite exhilarating to rush towards the falls from the pool below against the unrelenting force of water that would eventually sweep them off their feet and shoot them back away from the falls. It was as a subtle hint from Mother Nature saying “Back away my dears or I may have to crush you!”

They couldn’t seem to get anywhere near the falls against this incredible force, until one leader happily discovered a narrow streamline of water flowing towards the falls and thought this might enable him to get closer. He jumped into it, but again was flung away. Well, this was evidence enough for my husband that it was safe so he tried it too, but he was not so much flung as he was sucked. It sucked him straight into the waterfall, and shot him up for a fraction of a second where he thought he might catch a breath of air but instead of air he received the full force of the falls striking his head and pounding him deep into the water again. At this point he said he felt for the first time that he might actually drown as he was tossed about completely powerless against so great a force. But with a few more cycles under the water he was caught by an outgoing current and was spewed forth from the waterfall like Jonah from the belly of the whale.

Of course it’s always that devil gratitude that keeps us from killing our loved ones upon finding that they’ve almost killed themselves, so instead of being too cross with my husband when he related the tale, I offered a prayer of thanks. The thought then occurred to me: what would have happened if I hadn’t prayed so earnestly for his safety?” I shudder to think that he might have died without my efforts of faith, and we tend to comfort ourselves that people only die when it is ‘their time’ anyway so of course it wasn’t his time yet. But I’ve always believed that although God does have a time appointed for each of us to die, and that we certainly can’t extend our allotted time by any act of our own, we do have the power to end our own lives before our appointed time by our own poor choices. If a man throws himself off a cliff, I don’t think God will send angels to catch him because it’s not yet ‘his time to go.’

God allows us our agency and the consequences of our actions. But did God rescue my husband after flinging himself into a raging 200 foot waterfall? I think he might have, because I do believe there are times that God intervenes on behalf of our loved ones because of our faith and prayers.

I came to learn this lesson on my mission once when I had flung myself into a pit of despair and found myself cycling under the force of self pity so deep that I did not even implore my God to release me, reveling as it were in my own emotional destruction as I felt too unworthy to be rescued. As I sobbed to myself on my bed I suddenly felt the incredible and unmistakable warmth and peace of the Spirit lift my soul and snatch me away from my own bitterness to feel a the sensational joy of Christ. I then wept in the most confounded gratitude and finally prayed in my heart saying “How is this done? I didn’t ask you to help; I had closed my heart to you and brought this completely on myself. Why have you rescued me still?”

The answer came clearer than any I had received before that someone else was praying in great faith on my behalf at that very moment. The image that came to my mind was Mother Lore, a widow and mother of twelve who had played an important role in my own conversion years earlier, and I remembered her letters that spoke of her constant prayers for me and love for me. I don’t know if it was actually her or someone else, or even the combined prayers of many, but when I thought of her faith and love for the Lord I realized that He would not withhold his blessings from her, and if my welfare was what she wanted from Him, it was done even in spite of me.

Because of the marvelous gift of love and the importance of our relationships with others in our mortal and eternal lives, some of our most precious hopes are vulnerable to the choices of our loved ones. God does give man his agency, but let us remember as did Alma the Elder, that God can do marvels with his children and prepare a way for their escape sometimes in spite of themselves because of the faith and prayers of those who love them. Let this be our hope enough to compel us to keep praying when all our earthly senses may tell us that hope is gone, that they are doomed to drown in their own poor choices. And let us never forget to be grateful and mindful of everything that is right because of our prayers that we don’t warrant a near-drowning to discover the Lord’s hand in our lives.

Loyalty In Spite of Injustice

In D&C 127, Joseph Smith writes an epistle to the Saints telling them that he must leave for a time because of the prosecutions mounting against him. He states, “and inasmuch as they pursue me without a acause, and have not the least shadow or coloring of justice or right on their side in the getting up of their prosecutions against me; and inasmuch as their pretensions are all founded in falsehood of the blackest dye, I have thought it expedient and wisdom in me to leave the place for a short season, for my own safety and the safety of this people.”

One of the things I find remarkable about Joseph Smith is how he bore such unjust persecutions, many of which were feigned under the hand of justice or government, and that the rule of law and justice that supposedly makes this great nation free was tossed aside in cruel bigotry against him. Yet in spite of this tragic and repeated firsthand experience with the state and U.S. government, he retained a deep respect and loyalty to this country and all it stands for.

This is most humbly expressed in his dedicatory prayer of the Kirtland Temple reflecting the Savior’s admonition to pray for your enemies and love those who persecute you and despitefully use you when he says “Have mercy, O Lord, upon all the anations of the earth; have mercy upon the rulers of our land; may those principles, which were so honorably and nobly defended, namely, the bConstitution of our land, by our fathers, be established forever.” (D&C 109: 54)

Not only does this attest to the character of Joseph Smith, it implores us to respect this nation and her founding principles, and to do all in our power to protect the rights and liberties which we see can be so easily squelched under the hand of wicked men. As it so eloquently states in the declaration of Joseph and Hyrum’s martyrdom:

“…their innocent blood on the floor of Carthage jail is a broad seal affixed to “Mormonism” that cannot be rejected by any court on earth, and their innocent blood on the escutcheon of the State of Illinois, with the broken faith of the State as pledged by the governor, is a witness to the truth of the everlasting gospel that all the world cannot impeach; and their innocent blood on the banner of liberty, and on the magna charta of the United States, is an ambassador for the religion of Jesus Christ, that will touch the hearts of honest men among all nations…” (D&C 135:7)

Time Away from our Family

These last couple of weeks I’ve felt somewhat put out by the demands on our family by Nathaniel’s schooling, which is compounded when so often our various church callings demand the only few remaining hours we have to be together. This week in particular I had hoped to spend more time together since next week we would be apart so that he could assist in the scout camp only to discover that I have meetings or responsibilities in relief society every evening of the week.

But this morning I read D&C 126 where the Lord tells Brigham Young, “it is no more required at your hand to leave your family as in times past, for your offering is acceptable to me. I have seen your labor and toil in journeying for my name. I therefore command you to send my word abroad, and take especial care of your family from this time, henceforth and forever. Amen.”

From this I realized that the Lord may at times make weightier demands of our time that seem to conflict with our responsibility towards our families, and part of the reason he may do so is to give us a chance to prove our devotion to him. Abraham was asked to literally sacrifice his only son for the Lord, not because the Lord did not value Abraham’s role as a father, but to give him a chance to learn absolute devotion and trust in the Lord’s will. Of course when he had proved himself both to the Lord and to himself, the command was revoked and he was able to continue raising his son, a duty and privilege which he no doubt regarded with a much deeper appreciation thereafter.

But just as it is with Brigham, the Lord who requires our time in his service will also provide the time and ability to care for our family if we will put our trust in him. And how quickly we forget that it is only by the grace and mercy of our god that we are able to continue in this life with our families, as well as have our children and spouses with us, and that such things can be lost in an instant as so many have tragically learned. Who are we to resent the time he asks of us when every moment we have on earth with our families is owing to his mercy. How we ought to rejoice over the time we have together, and give freely and gratefully of that small portion he asks of us, just as we do with our tithing.

Eliminating Gossip

This entry is in response to an experience and a rebuke. I have been rebuked by the spirit lately for my participation in gossip. However, shortly after the rebuke and my own humble pleadings of repentance, I still found myself, more hesitantly, but assuredly gossiping again within only a couple of weeks. See, I remembered the rebuke the whole time I was making the decision of whether to participate or how much, and I had remembered my resolve to watch my tongue, but still the rational persisted that perhaps this situation was different, and perhaps my comments or contributions were not as harmful as in other situations. But still, I couldn’t help but feel I had spoken inappropriately, and was led to ask for understanding to know what is gossip, what is too much, or what can or should be spoken if anything and in what situations. I needed a solid definition of my standard so as to never cross it again. This is what I have concluded thus far through prayer and thought, but I put them here in part to define it in my own mind so that I can take it back to the Lord for approval or refinement if necessary, so this is not my final word on the subject.

Gossip, the way I understand it, is speaking negative or confidential things about someone to others. The easiest way test for me to know whether an item qualifies as “negative” or “confidential” is to consider the feelings of the person spoken of should they overhear this conversation or receive report of its contents from another. If their feelings are hurt, and the thought of them knowing brings my own mortification, it is clearly “negative” or “confidential.”
Having such a clear test of the negative or confidential, it would be simple for me to refuse to speak anything of that nature again (excluding of course my own pride and carnal nature that makes me find entertainment or self validation by doing so). However, I am not convinced negative or confidential things should never be spoken to anyone. And if sharing these things with someone is “good” I need to decide who it is. But in order to determine who it is that can receive these things in good conscience, it is more important to determine my reasoning, or underlying motive for the communication. And one method of discovering a good motive, is to eliminate the bad. And as mentioned earlier, the bad motive, or the motive that I believe most often commands these conversations, is pride. It is an attempt to exalt oneself by debasing another; to diminish one’s own weaknesses by protruding another’s.

There are of course other minor motives that often accompany this pride such as entertainment, small mindedness for lack of better things to discuss, not wanting to offend another gossiper by abstaining, or more likely seeking to please their sense of pride as well as yours hoping to better endear yourself to them.

Now, the only worthwhile motives that I could possibly see existing for the speaking of negative or confidential things to another, is either a sincere concern for their welfare with the careful consideration of whether sharing such information with chosen individuals will likely benefit them in the long run. Or the sincere desire to learn from their negative actions something that will benefit myself or one to whom I hope to teach the same principle but who does not know or think they know the individual spoken of.

For the first motive, I can see very few receivers of the communication that would qualify. That may include: Heavenly Father in heartfelt prayer, one’s bishop in some situations, one’s relief society president in fewer situations, one’s parents in some cases, and one’s spouse in some cases. However, I think it is best to remember that this communication under this motive is a very rare necessity, and prayerful consideration and discrimination should be taken before endeavoring because this means the things spoken are very likely to get back to the person or affect their lives somehow and you do not want to be esteemed his enemy, especially from an eternal perspective (meaning some may esteem you his enemy at the time he is in sin, but will appreciate the decision in a future, more righteous state of mind).

For the second motive, one needs to determine the importance of the information retaining anonymity or not, and whether the learning will be enhanced by the example or whether the principle alone will suffice. The default of course should be not to share the negative information, and if shared, retaining anonymity. Negative stories about others are shared regularly even over the pulpit of General Conference, but the identity of the individual is not shared except as in the instance of the conversation with McJagger where he confessed he writes his music to encourage teens to have sex, where knowing the individual’s identity may protect youth and parents from his vices and those like him (so of course protecting others is also an acceptable motive in some rare cases as well). And in conference, the story is limited to those details that enhance the teaching of the principle, and not those that may give anyone a chance to discover the identity of the doer.

The only instances where I can see sharing the negative information without anonymity, is within one’s own mind to learn for oneself, possibly with a spouse in some instances and with very careful consideration of the purity of your motives, and perhaps at time with your children if the behavior of the individual is already known to them and the severity of it or the consequences of such need to be expounded to them for their protection or learning.

In all these instances, if the motive is pure, the test of gossip still stands to some degree. Perhaps if the person were to overhear or receive report of the communication, they would be hurt or offended, but you would not be so embarrassed because you deemed it necessary and treated it carefully, and if they were to discover the report from the spirit world and learn of it from a better perspective, they would not be offended nor condemn you for your words but would agree the communications were justified and appropriate.